At first, I thought that the subject I am about to tell you would not be appropriate for a blog because I didn’t know who would be reading it. But then I thought, “You know, they might learn from my story and it might make me feel good getting it off my chest.” For about the past week and a half, I have had a horrible reoccuring dream. One, that in fact, I had to call my mom. Yes, I felt like a child at that time. And I thought, “Why am I calling my mom over a dream? I am 26 years old.” But the fact is that if I didn’t talk to someone about this dream, it would continue to reoccur. Let me explain the dream:
I am standing on a boat. I am not in my wheelchair. The wind blows me this way and that. I don’t know why but I have to hold on to these reigns that are attached to the boat. I keep wanting to pull one way, but the boat keeps wanting to pull me a certain way. Right before I wake up, it goes into a horrible rain storm. And then I have a lump in my throat once I wake up.
That is how I have been feeling pretty much for the whole month except for when I participated in the MOMENTA shows. There, I felt free and not trapped. Without explaining my family situation in detail, I feel like I’m trying to pull my parents one way while they are in their own way pulling the other way. This can be frustrating, exhausting, tiring, confusing. And it makes me ask the questions of “why” and “is this really my future? Will my life be a life of confusion and frustration?” Even though it did help when I talked to my mom, the situation with my parents makes me have a lot of questions about my future, g-d, and my life as a whole. It has helped me open my eyes to learn more about relationships and what is really important in them. And maybe it was a good thing that I’m not with Ryan anymore. I am still, as I like to say however, in the “why” stage. In psychology, they talk about the different stages of grieving. Currently, I feel all over the roadmap when it comes to these stages: shock & denial, pain & guilt, anger & bargaining, and acceptance & hope. So, you might be wondering at this point: how do I stay afloat? And my answer is 3-fold:
really, really good friends who listen and don’t question.
2. dance and toastmasters, of course, to express my feelings. 3. Prayer, which I don’t always do, except for in really difficult situations so I don’t get depressed. I had been there before and I don’t want to get to that point. It makes me unable to do the things I love to do in life, and it inhibits me from being a part of the world the way I want to. You only live once and you have to deal with things when they come. Here is something one of my friends from Toastmasters gave me after she read at one of the meetings. It says:
Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
As a result of this month, I am beginning to realize that you can’t change the things around you sometimes no matter how hard you try. But you can change how you feel about things by beginning to accept the things the way they are, even though it is hard, and changing things about your body to a certain extent. Here’s what I mean by “changing you body”: On top of feeling sad, confused, and worried, I was beginning to feel sluggish every single day. So, as a result of this, I have decided to become a vegetarian. It has only been a week, but I already feel better. I have more energy than ever and I am happier with my life. I am still no where near the place that I want with accepting the situation, but it definitely has helped me get a little further along the road toward acceptance. Thank you to all the friends and family who have been there to lend a helping hand or just listen when I needed them. And let my post be a reminder that we have to be thankful for what we do have. Happy thanksgiving. And I am so thankful for all of you.
P.S. Teddy turned 2 this month! I can’t believe it!